Month: October 2021

Adding

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I think GP is being added to my pickle pack. I’ve seen him 3 times now and I am really enjoying spending time with him. Last night he made me dinner, we talked for hours and hours and watched YouTube videos until 1am. I was intrigued, interested and quite enjoyed the entire time. It was great to hang with him to keep my mind off of DT. DT has been distant, polite, but short and slowly withdrawing.
I look back at the week and smile at them: DT Sunday, GP Tuesday, JM Tuesday night, SK Wednesday (Kohl’s), GP Thursday and JH will be tomorrow.
Two and I also applied for an apartment today. I don’t see how we wouldn’t get it. I’m excited to have my own bedroom for the first time in 18 months. We will probably know in a week or so whether we’re moving in next month.

Broken

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I found this poem. It is not mine, but I fell in love with it.
Written by e.h

I remember when the world broke in,
To rip apart my soul,
For years after that one event,
I thought myself not whole,
My hours were spent with trying,
To fix it up with tape and glue,
Until one day I discovered,
Everyone else was broken too,
Here we were with pieces,
Of ourselves in both our hands,
So fragile and so open,
That I began to understand,
Maybe I’d been greedy,
To want my soul all to myself,
When it could be a lot more helpful,
In the palms of someone else,
Now every time I go somewhere,
I leave part of me behind,
And collect all of the pieces,
Of others’ souls that I can find,
So when I’m meeting someone new,
It’s not just me they get,
But also tiny fragments,
of all the others that I’ve met,
And my life’s become much bigger,
Now that it’s home to things so small,
And if this is what “broken” means,
I do not mind at all.

Decision

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So… I made a decision. It was one of the hardest decisions a person could ever make. It’s a decision to walk away. I won’t be doing it immediately, but over the next month. I have fallen madly, deeply in love with my DT, but he and I can never be. He cares. Maybe he even loves me, but he could never love me just as I am and if I change for a person, I would resent him or at the very least be miserable. He may be ready to love me as I am in the future, but if I stay and wait and it doesn’t happen, then my heart falls deeper and deeper and at the end my heart will break even harder when he would break it off.
I will see him for what we already have scheduled. I will smile and cherish every moment with him. Then I will try to explain to him what I already have said to him over and over. He thinks poly equals a casual relationship… and it most certainly does not.
I will help him grow and help him build his confidence. I will teach him what I can and leave him a better human than when I found him. He will always be loved and my heart will always have a piece of him in me. But I can’t continue to love him and fall deeper when he is on a different path.
This hurts so much. I will miss him. I will miss him more than anyone could imagine.