Adding

I think GP is being added to my pickle pack. I’ve seen him 3 times now and I am really enjoying spending time with him. Last night he made me dinner, we talked for hours and hours and watched YouTube videos until 1am. I was intrigued, interested and quite enjoyed the entire time. It was great to hang with him to keep my mind off of DT. DT has been distant, polite, but short and slowly withdrawing.
I look back at the week and smile at them: DT Sunday, GP Tuesday, JM Tuesday night, SK Wednesday (Kohl’s), GP Thursday and JH will be tomorrow.
Two and I also applied for an apartment today. I don’t see how we wouldn’t get it. I’m excited to have my own bedroom for the first time in 18 months. We will probably know in a week or so whether we’re moving in next month.


Broken

I found this poem. It is not mine, but I fell in love with it.
Written by e.h

I remember when the world broke in,
To rip apart my soul,
For years after that one event,
I thought myself not whole,
My hours were spent with trying,
To fix it up with tape and glue,
Until one day I discovered,
Everyone else was broken too,
Here we were with pieces,
Of ourselves in both our hands,
So fragile and so open,
That I began to understand,
Maybe I’d been greedy,
To want my soul all to myself,
When it could be a lot more helpful,
In the palms of someone else,
Now every time I go somewhere,
I leave part of me behind,
And collect all of the pieces,
Of others’ souls that I can find,
So when I’m meeting someone new,
It’s not just me they get,
But also tiny fragments,
of all the others that I’ve met,
And my life’s become much bigger,
Now that it’s home to things so small,
And if this is what “broken” means,
I do not mind at all.


Decision

So… I made a decision. It was one of the hardest decisions a person could ever make. It’s a decision to walk away. I won’t be doing it immediately, but over the next month. I have fallen madly, deeply in love with my DT, but he and I can never be. He cares. Maybe he even loves me, but he could never love me just as I am and if I change for a person, I would resent him or at the very least be miserable. He may be ready to love me as I am in the future, but if I stay and wait and it doesn’t happen, then my heart falls deeper and deeper and at the end my heart will break even harder when he would break it off.
I will see him for what we already have scheduled. I will smile and cherish every moment with him. Then I will try to explain to him what I already have said to him over and over. He thinks poly equals a casual relationship… and it most certainly does not.
I will help him grow and help him build his confidence. I will teach him what I can and leave him a better human than when I found him. He will always be loved and my heart will always have a piece of him in me. But I can’t continue to love him and fall deeper when he is on a different path.
This hurts so much. I will miss him. I will miss him more than anyone could imagine.


Brandy

I’m nothing but a gypsy tart
That travels town to town
I spread my joy to every soul
I never wear a frown

Today I’m camping in the woods
Tomorrow I’m gone swimming
The next day I’m upon a Hog
As the sun is dimming

You’ll never see me wear my shoes
And usually not a bra
My hair’s a wind-blown tangled mess
I’m quite the fun grandma!

My mouth’s as filthy as my feet
And yet my soul is pure
I’m full of love and nothing else
Just ask if you’re unsure

I don’t have time to write much more
I’m off to see the rest
Come join me if you’d like to go
Who knows my next conquest?


More Love

I got back from seeing my bff Kevin in Florida last Wednesday. JM joined me for the first few day, and then I had Kevin all to myself. I then went on the greatest ATV adventure ever! I was one of the guys and enjoyed the weekend driving a side by side like I stole it. I hadn’t been on a 4 wheeler since the kids were little. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive a regular ATV, but I was able to drive the side by side just fine for about an hour! I had the time of my life.
JM switched days and I got to see DT last night. He is going to break my heart something fierce. I am absolutely falling for him. I can see myself in his life. I’d love to make him happy. I’d love to be beside him every morning and be his companion forever. He doesn’t see me the same. I know he enjoys my company, but I wonder for how long. I am struggling with living for the moment and just enjoying every moment with him or leaving now to save my heart. Of course I will continue… I can’t live any other way.
SK and AR are still my phone buddies. I wish I could see more of them.


Normal Week

I haven’t slept in my own bed in a week and I won’t be anytime soon. Between camping, DT, JM and EB, I’ve been busy living life to the fullest.
Last night I started EB a logo and website. The night before, JM and I finally had our date night that I’ve been waiting for for 6 weeks and it was magical. I think I finally broke through a few walls that he had up and connected to him in a way which made him melt and be vulnerable. DT is still wonderful and accidentally said the L word to me. I told him he’s not allowed to say that to me. He’s falling too fast and he doesn’t have his eyes open. I adore him, but I’m not sure he can handle who I am.
I found out my parental figures are visiting in 2 weeks. There’s only 1 day that they’ll be here that I’ll be home from Florida, but they’re choosing to spend the day with an old coworker. People think it’s my coldness that repels them. I’d disagree.


Weekend Home

This is the first weekend that I’ve stayed home in quite a while. I know that my body needs the rest, but my body is restless. I am missing my JM. In just 3 weeks we go to see Kevin, but somehow I’m thinking that will be the beginning of the end. Maybe I’m overthinking everything.
DT continues to be a great companion. I know deep down he could never fulfill all of me and it’s sad. I’ll be spending some time with him tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.
SK has wandered back. It hurts that he had to stop spending time with me to pursue someone else, but encouraged that he’s choosing to spend time with me again.